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(no subject)
Mar. 15th, 2006 | 09:46 pm
Twice today I said too much.
I don't want to like you like I do.
I don't want to feel like this.
This is the exact opposite of what I wanted.
I HATE THIS.
And I have to write in this journal because I had to get it out but make it invisible.
With all the things going on it just makes me feel worse.
People either care or they don't. I don't want to be lead around.
I don't want to like you like I do.
I don't want to feel like this.
This is the exact opposite of what I wanted.
I HATE THIS.
And I have to write in this journal because I had to get it out but make it invisible.
With all the things going on it just makes me feel worse.
People either care or they don't. I don't want to be lead around.
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Oh Antarctica...
Mar. 15th, 2006 | 09:42 pm
Tonight was emotionally draining. I cried.
I just feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I can't get a grip on it. I don't have any idea what to do with my life or where my life is going.
I made a few big mistakes recently. Giving away too much of myself too soon and opening up when I should've been shutting down.
I think I've been written off and have been taught to never really say how you feel.
Right now I feel hurt. That's about it.
I guess it's inevitable. I saw a secret on ljsecret tonight that I completely identified with. I'm terrified that this is as good as it gets.
I just feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I can't get a grip on it. I don't have any idea what to do with my life or where my life is going.
I made a few big mistakes recently. Giving away too much of myself too soon and opening up when I should've been shutting down.
I think I've been written off and have been taught to never really say how you feel.
Right now I feel hurt. That's about it.
I guess it's inevitable. I saw a secret on ljsecret tonight that I completely identified with. I'm terrified that this is as good as it gets.
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(no subject)
Feb. 25th, 2006 | 01:57 am
RIP Alexander Scott Hankins.
so amy lloyd calls me a little bit ago and she says "chrissy... i have some bad news" and i immediately start to panic thinking something is wrong with my family or hers. she says... little alex hankins was in a car accident and he had serious brain damage... he was on life support and when they took him off... he died.
the way it was all said caught me off guard. his parents are my age... and im having troubl swallowing all of this.
so amy lloyd calls me a little bit ago and she says "chrissy... i have some bad news" and i immediately start to panic thinking something is wrong with my family or hers. she says... little alex hankins was in a car accident and he had serious brain damage... he was on life support and when they took him off... he died.
the way it was all said caught me off guard. his parents are my age... and im having troubl swallowing all of this.
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(no subject)
Oct. 10th, 2005 | 09:45 pm
Im in a mood tonight. Katrina just said something that made sense. I was sitting here thinking about how nice it would be to date someone right now and I never get like that. She said it could be because its becomming winter. She's probably right. I dont want to have to go through the beginning stages of a relationship where you have to try to impress the other person and always look nice and go out and stuff. I just want someone to hang out with, watch movies and wear sweatpants.
I feel like listening to depressing music and crying. I should stop letting myself get so emotional and stop letting myself be so lonely. It's all my own fault but I still can't help feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like listening to depressing music and crying. I should stop letting myself get so emotional and stop letting myself be so lonely. It's all my own fault but I still can't help feeling sorry for myself.
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(no subject)
Oct. 10th, 2005 | 03:13 pm
John Mayer is really choking me up right now.
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(no subject)
Oct. 8th, 2005 | 01:23 am
It's really hard for me to continue acting like an adult. Today... I wanted to come pick up my mail and was given a hard time. I don't understand why things have to play out like this. So we decided not to be friends, big deal. I am trying to keep it from turning into a big huge disasterous ordeal. I dont want the drama, I don't want the headaches and I don't want to have to constantly explain to other people what is going on. My mom comes in and causes problems becuase she's upset. She was decieved by someone she thought she could trust and now wants to straighten it out.
When other people's parents are unstable and get involved unnecessarily and only share half of a story with their children things get turned around. My mom is mad and said some things I'm sure she didn't mean. But what she doesn't understand is I have to deal with all of the backlash.
I am trying as hard as I can to ignore it but a person can only ignore so much. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this to anyone cuz I don't want to cause anymore of a problem. I dont want to disrupt anyones lives just because ours are disasters. It's not that easy. I am being accused (and assumed guilty) of things I did not do. This isn't a "break" in friendship and it's not even a clean cut "end" of friendship... It's like a divorce. A messy, horrible divorce and it's weighing on me pretty hardcore. I know I barely ever write in here but it seems like the only way to get any of this out. I feel like my identity is lost, or at least part of it. It's not like I miss the way things were becuase there were so crappy. I just don't want to have to hear that so and so said this... or this was in his away message or info or whatever. I am trying to erase him from my life why can't he just erase me from his? I understand that maybe it's his way of dealing with things but having "I hope you choke and die" in his away message is pushing it a little far. I would love to air his dirty laundry or ruin his life. I would love to tell the whole world just exactly how he is but I'm not going to. I'm not going to sink that low. It's just so hard to be mature...
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hope your life never gets any better. (see, that's as mean as I can get... sad isnt it?)
When other people's parents are unstable and get involved unnecessarily and only share half of a story with their children things get turned around. My mom is mad and said some things I'm sure she didn't mean. But what she doesn't understand is I have to deal with all of the backlash.
I am trying as hard as I can to ignore it but a person can only ignore so much. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this to anyone cuz I don't want to cause anymore of a problem. I dont want to disrupt anyones lives just because ours are disasters. It's not that easy. I am being accused (and assumed guilty) of things I did not do. This isn't a "break" in friendship and it's not even a clean cut "end" of friendship... It's like a divorce. A messy, horrible divorce and it's weighing on me pretty hardcore. I know I barely ever write in here but it seems like the only way to get any of this out. I feel like my identity is lost, or at least part of it. It's not like I miss the way things were becuase there were so crappy. I just don't want to have to hear that so and so said this... or this was in his away message or info or whatever. I am trying to erase him from my life why can't he just erase me from his? I understand that maybe it's his way of dealing with things but having "I hope you choke and die" in his away message is pushing it a little far. I would love to air his dirty laundry or ruin his life. I would love to tell the whole world just exactly how he is but I'm not going to. I'm not going to sink that low. It's just so hard to be mature...
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hope your life never gets any better. (see, that's as mean as I can get... sad isnt it?)
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(no subject)
Oct. 7th, 2005 | 12:46 pm
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.
Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.
In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.
That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.
Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
link
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.
Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.
In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.
That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.
Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
link
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(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2005 | 10:34 pm
a n g e r section.
do you have a quick temper?: No. I very rarely get mad.
what do you do when you're mad?: Flip out.
what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?: Ruined someones life.
if you can take back time, would you have never done this?: Yeah I would've done it. I'm about to do it again to someone else.
ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: Yeah and right now thats all I wish I could do.
ever physically hurt someone when you were mad?: Nope.
do you curse when you're mad?:Yep
c r y i n g section.
when was the last time you really cried your heart out?: Like everyday of my life
ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yep
ever cried on your friend's shoulder?:Yep
ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yep
do you cry when you get an injury?: Only emotional injuries.
do certain songs make you cry?: Almost everyone on this computer
can you make yourself cry?: If I think abou certain things.
p a i n section. h a p p y section. l o v e section. h a t e section. s e l f - e s t e e m section.
what's the hardest thing you've ever had to go through?: Right now with Ian is pretty high on the list.
what's the worst thing you've done to somebody else?: Ruined their life.
ever had a painful break up?: Not really but kind of.
what about the old 'pain for pleasure'?: wtf
how depressed can you get?: Really depressed
do you inflict pain on yourself?: Only emotional
are you normally a happy person?: Sure thing
what can make you happy?: Life
do you wish you were happier?: Yes.
what makes you the happiest?: Its long gone
is being happy overrated?: No
what about being with your friends, does that make you happy?: Of course.
can music make you happy?: Probably
how many times have you had your heart broken?: 1 but it was a wammy
do you still have feelings for any of your old significant others?: sort of
have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd die for them?: yes.
did you ever love a guy, tell them that, and only got 'thanks' as a reply?: not exactly
ever loved someone so much, it hurt and made you cry?: yes
has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?: yes
ever stopped a relationship because they didn't say 'i love you'?nope
:
who do you actually hate?: right now... my old best friend
ever made a hit list?: no
have you ever been on a hit list?:probably
are you a mean bully?: no
do you hate any one that breaks your heart?: yes
do you hate George Bush?: not really
is your self-esteem extremely low?: not really
do you believe in yourself?: eh
when people say they think you are pretty, do you deny you are?: no
are you one of those idiots that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat?: .no
are you happy with who you are?: yeah sort of
do you wish you can be someone else?:yeah actually
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(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2005 | 10:32 pm
1. Favorite scent: Burberry Brit on a cute boy or citrus smells
2. Favorite way to relax: ummm I dont know if thats L/J appropriate. Jacuzzi maybe
3. Favorite movie you own: Saint Elmos Fire
4. Favorite movie you don't already own: Say Anything
5. Favorite male movie star: John Cusack
6. Favorite female movie star: Natalie Portman
7. Favorite book genre: Satire
8. Favorite clothing store: Old Navy
9. Favorite non-clothing store: Target
11. Favorite CD you own: This sad song mix I made
12. Favorite CD you don't already own: Tom Petty's greatest hits.
2. Favorite way to relax: ummm I dont know if thats L/J appropriate. Jacuzzi maybe
3. Favorite movie you own: Saint Elmos Fire
4. Favorite movie you don't already own: Say Anything
5. Favorite male movie star: John Cusack
6. Favorite female movie star: Natalie Portman
7. Favorite book genre: Satire
8. Favorite clothing store: Old Navy
9. Favorite non-clothing store: Target
11. Favorite CD you own: This sad song mix I made
12. Favorite CD you don't already own: Tom Petty's greatest hits.
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(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2005 | 10:18 pm
13 random things you like
01)The internet
02)My current roomates
03)Pop culture
04)Billy Joel
05)Designer Purses
06)This new boy Chris I met online tonight
07)Pink flowers
08)Expensive jewelry
09)the 80's
10)Six Feet Under
11)Quotes
12)Cuddling
13)Sleeping with the air conditioner on
7 things about you ... physically
01)I'm short
02)I have brown eyes
03)Erin just gave me an awesome haircute/color
04)I think I'm cute as hell
05)I dress well
06)I have gigantic boobs
07)I know I'm cute as hell. :)
8 favorite drinks
01)Cherry coke with wild cherry rum
02)This thing at Jo Mommas that tastes like sweet tarts
03)Jack Daniels on the rocks
04)Crantinis
05)Red Wine
06)Tim's punch
07)Cosmos
08)a good rolling rock every now and then
7 things you wear daily
01)A ring around my neck though I should burn it instead of wearing it.
02)Socks
03)Shoes
04)Pants
05)Shirt
06)Bra
07)Panties
6 things that annoy you
01)Passive Agressive behavior
02)People that talk constant shit
03)Hammering really early in the morning
04)Parents that are too overly involved in their childs life (can't cut that umbilical cord)
05)Bitchiness for no apparent reason
06)Being analyzed by people
5 things you touch everyday
01)Myself, duh (j/k)
02)Computer keyboard
03)Hairdryer
04)Bottles of shampoo
05)Books
4 shows you watch
01)Six Feet Under
02)Sex Inspectors
03)Gilmore Girls
04)Entourage
3 celebrities you have a crush on
01)Johnny Depp
02)The guy that plays nate on Six Feet Under
03)Callum Blue
01)The internet
02)My current roomates
03)Pop culture
04)Billy Joel
05)Designer Purses
06)This new boy Chris I met online tonight
07)Pink flowers
08)Expensive jewelry
09)the 80's
10)Six Feet Under
11)Quotes
12)Cuddling
13)Sleeping with the air conditioner on
7 things about you ... physically
01)I'm short
02)I have brown eyes
03)Erin just gave me an awesome haircute/color
04)I think I'm cute as hell
05)I dress well
06)I have gigantic boobs
07)I know I'm cute as hell. :)
8 favorite drinks
01)Cherry coke with wild cherry rum
02)This thing at Jo Mommas that tastes like sweet tarts
03)Jack Daniels on the rocks
04)Crantinis
05)Red Wine
06)Tim's punch
07)Cosmos
08)a good rolling rock every now and then
7 things you wear daily
01)A ring around my neck though I should burn it instead of wearing it.
02)Socks
03)Shoes
04)Pants
05)Shirt
06)Bra
07)Panties
6 things that annoy you
01)Passive Agressive behavior
02)People that talk constant shit
03)Hammering really early in the morning
04)Parents that are too overly involved in their childs life (can't cut that umbilical cord)
05)Bitchiness for no apparent reason
06)Being analyzed by people
5 things you touch everyday
01)Myself, duh (j/k)
02)Computer keyboard
03)Hairdryer
04)Bottles of shampoo
05)Books
4 shows you watch
01)Six Feet Under
02)Sex Inspectors
03)Gilmore Girls
04)Entourage
3 celebrities you have a crush on
01)Johnny Depp
02)The guy that plays nate on Six Feet Under
03)Callum Blue
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(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2005 | 10:09 pm
I'm trying to be the bigger person and the adult here but right now I want to punch him in the face. Everything has to be played like little kid games and everything always has to be so passive agressive. I'm trying to take the high road, leave everyone else out of our problems and keep this as cut and dry as possible. Life is messy, but I'm trying. I am at my wits end. I will not let him have control of my life anymore. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.
I hate you. You're a stupid piece of shit with no morals. You run around sleeping with all of Pittsburgh and blame all of your problems on other people. You want to make yourself always look like the victim at any cost most of the time succeeding. You are selfish, you are insincere and you were a waste of 6 years of my life.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I wish you would've stayed in New York. You're a stupid fuck and I hope you get herpes.
Now I feel better and can continue acting like a rational adult.
I hate you. You're a stupid piece of shit with no morals. You run around sleeping with all of Pittsburgh and blame all of your problems on other people. You want to make yourself always look like the victim at any cost most of the time succeeding. You are selfish, you are insincere and you were a waste of 6 years of my life.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I wish you would've stayed in New York. You're a stupid fuck and I hope you get herpes.
Now I feel better and can continue acting like a rational adult.
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(no subject)
Oct. 3rd, 2005 | 09:02 pm
25 Questions You'd Never Think to Ask.
1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?: I look to see if my teeth got any more crooked in the front.
2. How much cash do you have on you?: I just gave Erin 25... I think about 23ish
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?: Vest.
4. Favorite flower?: Gerbera Daisies, Roses if they're glittered.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?: My Aunt Kim
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: *Ring*Ring*
7. What shirt are you wearing?: a blue get up kids teeshirt
8. Do you "label" yourself?: Really lame.
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?: Argyle socks
10. Bright or Dark Room?: dark
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Katrina is really cute and lives in the bedroom next to mine. I can talk to her at any point through our wall made of paper.
12. Do you know what an 8-track is?: Yeah.
13. What were you doing after midnight last night?: Studying for Philosophy
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: "Chrissy, I can't make any promises right now"
15. Do you ever click on Pop-ups or banners?: Not really.
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: Whatev
17. Who told you they loved you last?: My grammm
18. Last furry thing you touched? My grams cat this morning
19. How many hours a week do you work? about 20
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? 1
21. Favorite age you have been so far?: 17 was amazing.
22. Your worst enemy? My best friend.
23. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of my Ian and I from my senior prom.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: How about you make all important life decisions for me?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or erasing all your regrets? Money. I don't regret anything. That's pointless.
1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?: I look to see if my teeth got any more crooked in the front.
2. How much cash do you have on you?: I just gave Erin 25... I think about 23ish
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?: Vest.
4. Favorite flower?: Gerbera Daisies, Roses if they're glittered.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?: My Aunt Kim
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: *Ring*Ring*
7. What shirt are you wearing?: a blue get up kids teeshirt
8. Do you "label" yourself?: Really lame.
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?: Argyle socks
10. Bright or Dark Room?: dark
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Katrina is really cute and lives in the bedroom next to mine. I can talk to her at any point through our wall made of paper.
12. Do you know what an 8-track is?: Yeah.
13. What were you doing after midnight last night?: Studying for Philosophy
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: "Chrissy, I can't make any promises right now"
15. Do you ever click on Pop-ups or banners?: Not really.
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: Whatev
17. Who told you they loved you last?: My grammm
18. Last furry thing you touched? My grams cat this morning
19. How many hours a week do you work? about 20
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? 1
21. Favorite age you have been so far?: 17 was amazing.
22. Your worst enemy? My best friend.
23. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of my Ian and I from my senior prom.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: How about you make all important life decisions for me?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or erasing all your regrets? Money. I don't regret anything. That's pointless.
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(no subject)
Sep. 12th, 2005 | 11:17 am
Tims on Saturday was C R A Z Y.
Some strange girl drank till she almost died, puked all night in the bathroom and then they had to call an ambulance becuase she wouldn't pick her drunk ass up and walk to the bus stop. Along with the Ambulance, a firetruck equipped with firemen and the police in the paddy wagon all came. Not to mention, most of us are not 21 yet so Ian Caitlyn Katrina and I were like yeah its time ofr us to leave. I guess when the ambulance got there they told the girls roomate that she wasn't drunk enough for them to take her and to just take her home give her water and make her sleep on her side. No one got arrested.
Pittsburgh rules.
Ian Caitlyn and I came back here and Ian made us grilled cheese sandwiches and ran his mouth to Caitlyn about some of my deep dark secrets. I don't think anyone has ever been as drunk as they were at this party thanks to Tim's lovely beer bong creation hanging on the wall of their dining room. I spent most of the night sitting in Kyles room with Erin and Rachael who are both very cute and fun to talk to. Tim thinks the party was a disaster, I think it went pretty well considering everything that happened. I had fun.
Ian took pictures on Tim's digital camera and he ended up with a really distorted one of Michelle. He doesn't really think before he speaks so he made the comment that she looked like Sloth from the Goonies causing her to cry for hours upon hours about how she looked like Sloth. (this was after she spilled an entire glass of vodka on Ians cell phone, he could've been pissed at her and that was why he said it? Just guessing) Michelle is cute, she doesn't look like Sloth. Ian needs to learn to bite his tongue when it comes to already emotional drunk girls.
Some strange girl drank till she almost died, puked all night in the bathroom and then they had to call an ambulance becuase she wouldn't pick her drunk ass up and walk to the bus stop. Along with the Ambulance, a firetruck equipped with firemen and the police in the paddy wagon all came. Not to mention, most of us are not 21 yet so Ian Caitlyn Katrina and I were like yeah its time ofr us to leave. I guess when the ambulance got there they told the girls roomate that she wasn't drunk enough for them to take her and to just take her home give her water and make her sleep on her side. No one got arrested.
Pittsburgh rules.
Ian Caitlyn and I came back here and Ian made us grilled cheese sandwiches and ran his mouth to Caitlyn about some of my deep dark secrets. I don't think anyone has ever been as drunk as they were at this party thanks to Tim's lovely beer bong creation hanging on the wall of their dining room. I spent most of the night sitting in Kyles room with Erin and Rachael who are both very cute and fun to talk to. Tim thinks the party was a disaster, I think it went pretty well considering everything that happened. I had fun.
Ian took pictures on Tim's digital camera and he ended up with a really distorted one of Michelle. He doesn't really think before he speaks so he made the comment that she looked like Sloth from the Goonies causing her to cry for hours upon hours about how she looked like Sloth. (this was after she spilled an entire glass of vodka on Ians cell phone, he could've been pissed at her and that was why he said it? Just guessing) Michelle is cute, she doesn't look like Sloth. Ian needs to learn to bite his tongue when it comes to already emotional drunk girls.
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Tarted up hussies and pretentious queens.
Sep. 10th, 2005 | 10:38 am
mood: 
good
music: Jeff Buckley
So I boycotted writing in this thing for a while but its the only way I can keep updated on half the lives of my friends from home so I figured I'd give them the same courtesy.
Apartment life with Ian is a touch harder than I thought it would be but so far its brought us closer together so its all good. Katrina lives like a block away from us in the dirty south which makes this area slightly more livable. Plus everything inside is finally coming together and looking less like something out of the trailer park and more like a decent looking townhouse.
We had a little wet Wednesday party that turned out to be pretty sweet. Hanna and Talia came along with Katrina Tim Caitlyn and my friend Jake from highschool. It was small but turned out to be alot of fun. I found out also that I'm not the only one of us wanting to go to Lawschool. On Thursday we went to Talia and Erika's to watch the OC which was alot of fun. They have an unbelievably comfy couch.
I went out on a date last night with the lamest person I have ever met so I made them take me home after an hour and I went to Tims and watched Pulp Fiction. We decided to go to Fuel and Fuddle and after driving around for 20 minutes trying to find a parking space we went back to our apartment and parked Ians car and walked. On our way we saw about 15 parties in South Oakland and upon passing one of them a guy screamed after me "That girl has GINORMOUS boobs." Tim and I died laughing though Ian missed it becuase he was on the phone. There's a Toga party tonight at Tims and I hope Stephanie decides to come cuz I miss her. There's some kind of conflict going on at home that I only know parts of, all I know is that its (don't be too surprised) a passive agressive battle.
On another note, I love my Philosophy class. I wish I would've taken one sooner. And... Carlow fails me day after day. They cut my financial aide down to almost nothing so this semester is costing me 12 thousand right out of pocket. Also, becuase of the transferring and the major change I am now going to graduate at the same time as Talia and Ian and Katrina (and everyone else thats graduating in '08). I'm going to college an extra year... Make me cringe. Oh, and my dad is being a huge asshole. I talkd to him yesterday and it reminded me why I shouldn't.
My mom just called. She and Julie are coming to visit me!!
And last but not least...
"Don't be strangers." Lamest thing anyone has ever said.
Apartment life with Ian is a touch harder than I thought it would be but so far its brought us closer together so its all good. Katrina lives like a block away from us in the dirty south which makes this area slightly more livable. Plus everything inside is finally coming together and looking less like something out of the trailer park and more like a decent looking townhouse.
We had a little wet Wednesday party that turned out to be pretty sweet. Hanna and Talia came along with Katrina Tim Caitlyn and my friend Jake from highschool. It was small but turned out to be alot of fun. I found out also that I'm not the only one of us wanting to go to Lawschool. On Thursday we went to Talia and Erika's to watch the OC which was alot of fun. They have an unbelievably comfy couch.
I went out on a date last night with the lamest person I have ever met so I made them take me home after an hour and I went to Tims and watched Pulp Fiction. We decided to go to Fuel and Fuddle and after driving around for 20 minutes trying to find a parking space we went back to our apartment and parked Ians car and walked. On our way we saw about 15 parties in South Oakland and upon passing one of them a guy screamed after me "That girl has GINORMOUS boobs." Tim and I died laughing though Ian missed it becuase he was on the phone. There's a Toga party tonight at Tims and I hope Stephanie decides to come cuz I miss her. There's some kind of conflict going on at home that I only know parts of, all I know is that its (don't be too surprised) a passive agressive battle.
On another note, I love my Philosophy class. I wish I would've taken one sooner. And... Carlow fails me day after day. They cut my financial aide down to almost nothing so this semester is costing me 12 thousand right out of pocket. Also, becuase of the transferring and the major change I am now going to graduate at the same time as Talia and Ian and Katrina (and everyone else thats graduating in '08). I'm going to college an extra year... Make me cringe. Oh, and my dad is being a huge asshole. I talkd to him yesterday and it reminded me why I shouldn't.
My mom just called. She and Julie are coming to visit me!!
And last but not least...
"Don't be strangers." Lamest thing anyone has ever said.
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(no subject)
Jul. 31st, 2005 | 01:36 am
Oh clear as glass.
hahahahahahaha
20 years. 20 years. 20 years.
hahahahahahaha
20 years. 20 years. 20 years.
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I think I need a new town to leave this all behind.
Jul. 22nd, 2005 | 02:55 pm
mood: 
aggravated
music: Augustana
I'm in quite a mood today... It's leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I can't wait to go back to school. I can't wait to find some normalcy again and get a grasp on reality. Its amazing how much a change of scenery can do for your psyche.
Fuck you, Washington.
Fuck you, Washington.
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(no subject)
Jul. 15th, 2005 | 04:00 pm
mood: calm
music: The Outfield
So Im in quite an interesting mood today. My family is leaving for vacation and I'm pretty happy to be staying home. Ian and I are running away to NYC sometime hopefully within the week so I figured I'd stay here and get everything in order before then. We're signing our lease this week, after having a hold on that apartment for a month while we made up our mind. So... Apartment life is becomming a reality and we're slowly getting all the stuff we need. It'll be good, to say the least.
So I decided to open this journal up to people that used to be on my old friends list, I added everyone. There is no point in trying to keep it a secret or whatever and its nice to know your friends know what is going on in your life. I think Talia and Chelsea are the only people that I talked to last year that are actually coming back to Carlow in the fall and I'm happy that they'll still be there... but I'm so sad that Britt isn't coming back and as far as I know Kelly isn't either?
I'm in the process of making a runaway CD... and even though it's not running away for good it's running away to get a couple days out of this town that makes everyone miserable. Sucks the life out of everyone. There is not one person I know that likes it here. I ran into girls I was friensd with in middle school yesterday and they're both married and one of them is pregnant. Kara, my old best friend from years ago looked adorable... and though it's scary that she's married... I'm happy that she's happy. That lifestyle fits some girls, I thought maybe it would fit me but it's not really what I'm in the market for. I wanna do something worthwhile, even though I think I'm probably wasting my time finishing up at Carlow I'm still going to do it. I'll always have that piece of paper under my belt...
So I decided to open this journal up to people that used to be on my old friends list, I added everyone. There is no point in trying to keep it a secret or whatever and its nice to know your friends know what is going on in your life. I think Talia and Chelsea are the only people that I talked to last year that are actually coming back to Carlow in the fall and I'm happy that they'll still be there... but I'm so sad that Britt isn't coming back and as far as I know Kelly isn't either?
I'm in the process of making a runaway CD... and even though it's not running away for good it's running away to get a couple days out of this town that makes everyone miserable. Sucks the life out of everyone. There is not one person I know that likes it here. I ran into girls I was friensd with in middle school yesterday and they're both married and one of them is pregnant. Kara, my old best friend from years ago looked adorable... and though it's scary that she's married... I'm happy that she's happy. That lifestyle fits some girls, I thought maybe it would fit me but it's not really what I'm in the market for. I wanna do something worthwhile, even though I think I'm probably wasting my time finishing up at Carlow I'm still going to do it. I'll always have that piece of paper under my belt...
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What is past is prologue. --William Shakespeare.
Jul. 11th, 2005 | 01:03 am
I am hating my life so much right now. I can't even write about it.
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(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2005 | 01:50 am
I don't write much in these online journals. To me, it just seems pointless. I'd rather live in my head but right now I'm at this turning point where I feel like I need to document some things...
So yesterday I worked with Beth and it started to make me think about all these girls that you see in life that look hideous and don't realize it. Like these people on what not to wear and even people Im close to in everyday life. They don't realize that they dress horrifically or if they have bad hair or bad makeup and no one cares enough to correct it. I want someone to correct me. I want someone to tell me when there is something wrong.
I have a really good sense of style with clothing, I just can't wear alot of it because of the way that I am built. I would be the best dressed skinny girl on the planet, I swear to god.
So I am currently terrified that I have become one of those girls that doesn't realize how bad their hair/makeup/clothes are. One of my cousins is a perfect example. She has horrible makeup. HORRRIBLE. And you would think one of us would correct her. Her friends all talk about it constantly, and our family just kind of turns the other cheek so we dont have to acknowledge it, yet no one says "Hey sweetheart, did you ever think about wearing wine colored lipstick or did you ever think about having your eyeliner stop at the end of your eye?" No, of course not we just let her go one with white lips and cat eyeliner. Tonight, I cornered Ian and made him help me. Right off the bat he couldn't think of anything but once we started playing with makeup he was able to tell me that alot of the colors I wear everyday do nothing for me. They don't really work against me just... I look much better in certain colors, so from now on I will wear them. Also my hair needs updated and so do my clothes. Its time for the tastes that I have reflect in the clothes/jewelry/makeup and hair that I wear.
Its time for my looks to express who I am. I went through all of the adolescent clothing phases a person possibly can, doing trendy and punk and a million things in between. I'm sick of hearing how I dress well for being a chunkier girl. Why? Because most chunky girls dress like shit. I want to dress well, period. Not dress well for a chunky girl. Just like I dont want to be pretty for a chunky girl. I wanna be pretty, period. No phrase after the fact. Its possible, I just have to have the right makeup and the right hair. And new clothes. I need to throw them all out so I won't be tempted to wear them and start fresh... With tailored dark denim and crisp white shirts and kitten heels. Stilletto boots and embroidered tops. Things that I think are pretty, in fact gorgeous and have always been afraid of. I am not going to be afraid anymore. I'm not going to let society's standards trap me into dressing like a fat girl because I have big boobs and wider hips. I dont need to dress like a mommy because I am not 98 pounds. Its unnecessary, I'm tired of trying to fit into a category where I do not belong. I do not belong categorized with all of the plain heavier girls with no taste. I am breaking through the barrier. I am going to shop in Abercrombie and Fitch whether the employees there like it or not. I might not be their traditional customer, but why should I hide my head? I've spent all this time obsessing that I'm not like everyone else but WTF? Being different makes me special, it makes me stand out in the crowd and make it less likely that I blend in. I've always been scared of what is in style because I was afraid that people would notice me more if I didn't dress plainly. I'm tired of plain clothes and plain makeup and plain hair. I'm tired of walking the line... I dont want to blend in. I want to make my own clothes. I want to wear things that resemble the hottest designers. I want to follow new york trends even if I'm a size twelve and not a size two.
So often I read these journal entries from my girlfriends that are full of self loathing. I am not a self loather.
I'm a beautiful girl and there is no need for me to hide it.
So yesterday I worked with Beth and it started to make me think about all these girls that you see in life that look hideous and don't realize it. Like these people on what not to wear and even people Im close to in everyday life. They don't realize that they dress horrifically or if they have bad hair or bad makeup and no one cares enough to correct it. I want someone to correct me. I want someone to tell me when there is something wrong.
I have a really good sense of style with clothing, I just can't wear alot of it because of the way that I am built. I would be the best dressed skinny girl on the planet, I swear to god.
So I am currently terrified that I have become one of those girls that doesn't realize how bad their hair/makeup/clothes are. One of my cousins is a perfect example. She has horrible makeup. HORRRIBLE. And you would think one of us would correct her. Her friends all talk about it constantly, and our family just kind of turns the other cheek so we dont have to acknowledge it, yet no one says "Hey sweetheart, did you ever think about wearing wine colored lipstick or did you ever think about having your eyeliner stop at the end of your eye?" No, of course not we just let her go one with white lips and cat eyeliner. Tonight, I cornered Ian and made him help me. Right off the bat he couldn't think of anything but once we started playing with makeup he was able to tell me that alot of the colors I wear everyday do nothing for me. They don't really work against me just... I look much better in certain colors, so from now on I will wear them. Also my hair needs updated and so do my clothes. Its time for the tastes that I have reflect in the clothes/jewelry/makeup and hair that I wear.
Its time for my looks to express who I am. I went through all of the adolescent clothing phases a person possibly can, doing trendy and punk and a million things in between. I'm sick of hearing how I dress well for being a chunkier girl. Why? Because most chunky girls dress like shit. I want to dress well, period. Not dress well for a chunky girl. Just like I dont want to be pretty for a chunky girl. I wanna be pretty, period. No phrase after the fact. Its possible, I just have to have the right makeup and the right hair. And new clothes. I need to throw them all out so I won't be tempted to wear them and start fresh... With tailored dark denim and crisp white shirts and kitten heels. Stilletto boots and embroidered tops. Things that I think are pretty, in fact gorgeous and have always been afraid of. I am not going to be afraid anymore. I'm not going to let society's standards trap me into dressing like a fat girl because I have big boobs and wider hips. I dont need to dress like a mommy because I am not 98 pounds. Its unnecessary, I'm tired of trying to fit into a category where I do not belong. I do not belong categorized with all of the plain heavier girls with no taste. I am breaking through the barrier. I am going to shop in Abercrombie and Fitch whether the employees there like it or not. I might not be their traditional customer, but why should I hide my head? I've spent all this time obsessing that I'm not like everyone else but WTF? Being different makes me special, it makes me stand out in the crowd and make it less likely that I blend in. I've always been scared of what is in style because I was afraid that people would notice me more if I didn't dress plainly. I'm tired of plain clothes and plain makeup and plain hair. I'm tired of walking the line... I dont want to blend in. I want to make my own clothes. I want to wear things that resemble the hottest designers. I want to follow new york trends even if I'm a size twelve and not a size two.
So often I read these journal entries from my girlfriends that are full of self loathing. I am not a self loather.
I'm a beautiful girl and there is no need for me to hide it.
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The calm before the storm...
Jun. 6th, 2005 | 10:49 am
mood: 
sad
music: Dashboard Confessional... Again I go Unnoticed.
So I've been having these really horrible dreams. I kept telling myself that if I just didn't acknowledge their meaning, they would eventually go on their merry way leaving me with my eyes closed and my head in the sand. Your subconscience doesn't work that way, I'm sorry to tell myself because the more you ignore it the stronger the messages get. Your body knows whats best for you better than you think it does and right now... fight or flight kicked in hardcore.
In the many dreams I've had, there has been the central theme of being genuinely unhappy with my life, and for a change I really don't know how to fix it this time. Normally when I'm a little unhappy the right answer is sitting there screaming in my face waiting for me to just do something about it. This time, I would have to do an entire life overhaul but I think I reached the point where I have to. Things are never going to get any better at this rate and if I can't be happy then what's the point in living? So here we go, shit or get off the pot as my grandmother would say.
People that I'm "friends" with never cease to amaze me. Ever. I really hope someday people can see themselves for who they really are, including me. I'm sure we're all the same because they're all the same and I hang out with them so I'm probably one of them too. Not for long.
I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to be like you.
Ian and Adam fought last night I guess. I just got off the phone with Adam and he and I talked about how we're the type of people that either get ignored or get dicked around and he's right. I noticed it last night when I was in a group. Everytime I talked no one paid the least bit of attention and just carried on their on conversations liek I wasn't even there. Why do I bother hanging out with people if no one ever gives a shit what I have to say? At least two of them had the decency to go outside and continue their conversation so that I could watch a movie in peace. A movie that I couldn't even finish because someone else got to rule the roost again.
Maybe I just feel really out of control...
Maybe I just feel really out of control...
Lucero and I had a nice conversation about missing the past, I know that's not a healthy thing to dwell on and its not so much I miss the past as much as I miss the innocence (sort of) and the care-free attitudes and the real friendships and bonds that I had with people. Everything now is so on the surface and there is no real depth to any of it. I miss being able to sit on someones front porch at 4 am and say whatever I wanted without being judged. I miss when people didnt get mad at me for having free will and when people saw a value in being friends, real friends not surface friends.
Through blood and guts and poison...
Through blood and guts and poison...
Through blood and guts ant poison...
So I read this ode to nice girls that was linked in Kelly's livejournal and it made it so I couldn't even breathe. I felt like someone kicked me in the face. I can't wait for Adam to get back to school, I feel like we're kindred spirits and just kind of understand eachother. Not because of Ian at all, but because we have similar personalities and play similar roles in life. I'm going back to the old daycare job... Starting later in the week if I can help it. Im waiting on a call back from my old boss. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am.
In the many dreams I've had, there has been the central theme of being genuinely unhappy with my life, and for a change I really don't know how to fix it this time. Normally when I'm a little unhappy the right answer is sitting there screaming in my face waiting for me to just do something about it. This time, I would have to do an entire life overhaul but I think I reached the point where I have to. Things are never going to get any better at this rate and if I can't be happy then what's the point in living? So here we go, shit or get off the pot as my grandmother would say.
People that I'm "friends" with never cease to amaze me. Ever. I really hope someday people can see themselves for who they really are, including me. I'm sure we're all the same because they're all the same and I hang out with them so I'm probably one of them too. Not for long.
I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to be like you.
I refuse to be like you.
Ian and Adam fought last night I guess. I just got off the phone with Adam and he and I talked about how we're the type of people that either get ignored or get dicked around and he's right. I noticed it last night when I was in a group. Everytime I talked no one paid the least bit of attention and just carried on their on conversations liek I wasn't even there. Why do I bother hanging out with people if no one ever gives a shit what I have to say? At least two of them had the decency to go outside and continue their conversation so that I could watch a movie in peace. A movie that I couldn't even finish because someone else got to rule the roost again.
Maybe I just feel really out of control...
Maybe I just feel really out of control...
Lucero and I had a nice conversation about missing the past, I know that's not a healthy thing to dwell on and its not so much I miss the past as much as I miss the innocence (sort of) and the care-free attitudes and the real friendships and bonds that I had with people. Everything now is so on the surface and there is no real depth to any of it. I miss being able to sit on someones front porch at 4 am and say whatever I wanted without being judged. I miss when people didnt get mad at me for having free will and when people saw a value in being friends, real friends not surface friends.
Through blood and guts and poison...
Through blood and guts and poison...
Through blood and guts ant poison...
So I read this ode to nice girls that was linked in Kelly's livejournal and it made it so I couldn't even breathe. I felt like someone kicked me in the face. I can't wait for Adam to get back to school, I feel like we're kindred spirits and just kind of understand eachother. Not because of Ian at all, but because we have similar personalities and play similar roles in life. I'm going back to the old daycare job... Starting later in the week if I can help it. Im waiting on a call back from my old boss. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am.